Why So Serious?
by TuxedoUntieAshe
Summary: The Cullens get up to some mischeif while Esme is out for the day and Carlisle on a business trip in New York. Includes Nessie - Set two years after Breaking Dawn, Nessie ages slower Rated T justincase
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters, this pure fun and non-profitable. XD

EM POV

I walked into the dining room to see Bella staring intently into the wall length mirror, her immortal honey gold eyes darting back and forth, a dumbstruck look on her face.

"Hey little sis, what's so interesting?" I stood next to her and stared at the mirror too.

God, I'm sexy. I flexed my muscles a little and winked at my reflection. "Hey! You look drunk! How did you do it?!"

I nudged her, for me this answer is the equivalent to a human's desire to know the meaning of life. It's fourty-two by the way. "snoggle tab roller cat." Bella stated simply, silently twitching as if she was being shocked, still not taking her eyes off the mirror.

Oh. That makes sense. Wait, no it doesn't!

"EDDDIIEEEE!" I screamed at the top of my vampire lungs, I'm sure everyone in Forks could hear me and probably in the next continent too. Score!

Edward burst through the front door, wearing a cape and on his back was Nessie who appeared to be enjoying an icicle, drooling a blue substance down his neck. Eddie looked uncomfortable.

"What have I told you about calling me EDDIE!" He whined, putting little Nessie down.

"What's wrong Emmet? – We were about to go to Candy Mountain, right Nessie?" He patted her head affectionately then returned to pouting at me. God, no wonder his wife is wasted.

"CHWARRRLIEE!" Nessie squealed getting impatient and throwing her icicle at vampire strength, it hit the mirror which shattered on impact.

"Whoaahhh…"

We all turned to see Bella staring at the shards of glass on the floor. This caught Edward's attention, finally.  
"Are you okay, love?" Edward ran to Bella and nudged her, looking worried now.

Bella turned, delighted to see Edward and licked his nose, giggling she fell to the ground and rolled around in the glass.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Nessie screamed as she tackled the still giggling Bella. Whoah. Bella is really out of it.

This is a great time to mention that I ate her entire collection of books to see what would happen ... Edward turned to me, looking concerned for my sanity.

Oops, forgot he could hear my thoughts. Stupid shiny Volvo owner. He's like so gay. I wonder!! I looked down at Edward's clothes, Italian shoes, a cravat.

"LE GASP!" Edward just stared at me with a whiny pout on his face and one well groomed eye brow arched skeptically.

"I'm not gay, Emmett." Sure and white doesn't stick on rice. I wonder where Rose is.. my thoughts strayed.

"Really? Ugh. Now Emmett? Seriously. Ugh." He flinched. Ignoring him, I picked up a stick that just happened to be lying around and began poking the now passed out Bella Cullen. No idea how that happened.

Might as well have some fun while she's not conscious. I love sparkling, it's a shame it's a cloudy day, we're not sparkling…

**LIGHT BULB!** I ran and got a bucket of glitter before Edward could even react to my thoughts and grabbed some glue –

I stood in front of him as he edged to see what was in my hands while I blocked my thoughts with intimate pictures of Bruno – hahahah! I saw that movie a couple of days ago. Hilarious.

Although no one really had the same reaction as I did. Bella's was the funniest.

Nessie had stayed with Charlie as Edward didn't trust Jacob around her still, he still got the strange glint in his eye.

I mean, who imprints on a baby? I can't wait until Bella and Edward explain to the little loch ness monster, Jake's history with Bella. I vowed to tape it and show it at her 21st. She'll be 21 forever! I can just replay it each year.

Wait is that evil?? I shifted through my thoughts, contemplating this. No.. it's a family's job to embarass.

Why should Ness miss out?

My determination faltered when I realized Edward was listening to my thoughts. Crap.

His eyes got dangerous and he started counting. "1....""EDWARD NOOOOO PLEASE!" He looked scary and he cheats in a fight.

I used then, my secret weapon I had been saving up against Edward. Biding my time. Haha. "2..."

And then, he lunged at me.  
In the same second, I thought as hard as I could. Edward crumpled to the floor in terror. "Noooooooo."

EM POV

I began the countdown, threatening Emmett as I listened to his ridiculous thoughts. Esme will be pissed I'm about to ruin her table but I can't help it and the mirror is already ruined. I lunged at Emmett just before I reached three.

He reacted in a way I didn't think he had in him. No.. he wouldn't! He's not that cruel! I underestimated him.

**"WHASSUP?! I'm Bruno!**The most disturbing movie I had ever seen in over 100 years although we hadn't gotten pay TV until recently. I whimpered as I was caught up in his flashback which overtook all his thoughts, he was smug.

**_FLASHBACK!  
_  
**Bella screamed, cringing into me as a really detailed film of Bruno's genitals were shown on big screen.  
I looked over at the rest of my family and read their thoughts.

Esme: Wow..

Rosalie: My teddy bear is way manlier than him. Still…

Alice: He has the cutest accessories! I wish Edward had been like that when we all suspected he was gay… I still kinda do!  
Alice's eyes darted to me then back to the screen.

Emmett: Wow...

Carlisle: Limp!Limp!Limp!Limp!!!

Jasper: Holy…

**_END OF FLASHBACK!  
_  
**I blinked as I pulled myself out of the disturbing thoughts this fool had sent me.

I turned to Bella when I realized she was now unmoving and covered in glitter that had dried in big uneven globs of superglue.

Emmett. He was no where to be seen. "SONOFA-"

Just then Jasper walked downstairs.


	2. Chapter 2

JAZZ POV

I heard Edward manly squeals and crept down the stairs.

Is the Volturi here? I saw Bella lying on the floor, unconscious and glitter had been glued onto her carelessly.

Maybe I have gone to far with the inebriation. She did mock my southern accent this morning.. I gritted my pearly teeth.

My eyes narrowed. No.. She deserved it.

I sent her a small wave of emotion to alert her but not to startle her out of her inebriated state.

Besides, Emmett is boring and everyone has something fun to do except me. If Bella insists on sitting at home and reading then she must face the consequences of being my vampiric play thing.

This made perfect sense to me. I watched Bella's eyes slowly flutter open.

I peeked at Edward who didn't appear to be paying me any attention, he had acknowledged

I was on the staircase but he was more concerned with Bella right now.

Perfect. Bella groaned and shifted slightly, Edward looked absolutely relieved. I saluted them silently and crept back upstairs,  
chuckling to myself.

BELLA POV

I opened eyes, for a vampire my eyes are kind of unfocused. Whahh? I stood up fluidly for like 5 seconds, before falling.

Edward caught me of course concern etched into his features as I clung to hi and he held me in his arms..

I was overcome with lightheadedness which made me uncontrollably laugh and shake. I felt ridiculous and giddy in the extreme."EDDIE!!"

I squealed cuddling into his beautiful chest. My shaky vision fixed on his hair.

I tugged on his hair as I drooled venom. So pretty.. I tugged harder wanting a lock for myself. To treasure and run away with.

His entire head of hair fell on the floor when I tugged it too hard.

Oopzzz. Eddie stared at me in shock. It was silent for half a second before I burst out laughing, giggling uncontrollably.

Edward dropped me and I rolled to the floor with a thud. I crawled over to his hair, poking it and giggling even harder.

ED POV

..My-Ha My. Hai-!

I CANT EVEN THINK IT.

Dry sobbing I looked in shock at Bella who was now giggling and leaning unsteadily over the pile of --

*sob*my gorgeous*sob* bronze locks.

I looked away to see Alice in the doorway holding a mirror and unable to contain her laughter.

"EDWARD! YOU'RE BALD!" She looked like she would have been crying with laughter if she wasn't a vampire.

"Alice are you just going to stand there laughing at me?" I asked, pouting, my lip trembling dangerously.  
Winking, she threw a wig at me. It was platinum blond.

"What?! YOU GOT ME A FREAKING PLATINUM BLONDE WIG TO HIDE MY BALDNESS?!" I put it on never the less but too late apparently – Emmett stood taping the scene for god knows how long.

A huge grin stretched across his face. He turned to Bella who was screaming at the wall to stop staring, before falling down and

gleefully making a "snow" angel in my pile of hair.

*SOB* HOW COULD SHE? It was all gone.. I mourned my gorgeous hair. Maybe Esme could do something fancy with glue to make it the way it was before.

This made me sob harder and more pathetically. I didn't care. I fell to the floor in a heap screaming incoherently.

Alice turned to me.

"SHUT UP! Hey… where's Nessie?"


	3. Chapter 3

I'm in a hurry and I'm going out in a minute + I'm eager to publish another chapter so if it doesn't make sense, dont worry I'll read through it when I get back. Have an awesome night :}

* * *

MIKE POV

I was walking around, you know, in the neighbourhood. Well, Bella's neighbourhood anyway, as I usually do. When I saw a toddler running around unattended on the Cullen's lawn.

I stepped closer to see if the parents were anywhere in sight.

Maybe Bella would see and she would dump that stupid shiny Volvo owner with the strange hair! If she saw how loving I could be!  
I ran over to the toddler and stopped when I got a good look at her.

**OH MY BELLA!**

She was soooo cute! And she had the same chocolatey brown eyes as my Bella!

**OH MY BELLA! OH MY BELLA! OH MY BELLA! Oh **!!!

She looked up at me so curiously. Then she wrinkled her nose.

Some blue sticky substance drooling down the side of her mouth. **OH MY BELLA!**

I squealed like a fan girl who just met Kellan Lutz and picked her up, shepherded her into my car and started driving to WAL-MART.

She could be my baby! And I could buy her pretty things and and and Bella will see, bless my brainwashed Bella's heart, the baby's eyes and think of it as a sign she has to be with me!

"Daddy?" She said clearly, looking around.

**OH MY BELLA, **SHE KNOWS ME!

**Meanwhile…  
**

ED POV

Oh, no! Where's Renesmee?! Bella's going to kill me!

She couldn't have gone far! Could she?????

"EMMETT!" I yelled grabbing Alice's hand and pulling her to the door in a millisecond.

"ST AY-WITH-BELLA-TRY-T0-MAKE-HER-COHERENT-ILL-BE-BACK-SOON-AM-GOING-TO-FIND-NESSIE!"

I pointed to Bella who was now …

WAIT where's Bella?!

"FIND BELLA AND LOOK AFTER HER, EM." With that, we fled from the room, my cape flying out behind me.

EM POV

I watched Alice and Edward distressed run from the room. Rosalie who had been listening left in a blur to look for Nessie. Leaving me, Jasper and Bella... wherever the hell she is…

JAZZ POV

I am so getting this on camera!

In the last five minutes, Bella had stumbled up into my room, smacked into Alice's closest –

cried her eyes out, figuratively, spun around in circles until she tripped herself and was now sitting in the corner scared of the monsters I had told her were coming for her.

Which was ridiculous in its self. Chuckling under my breath I prepared.

"BELLA! YOU HAVE TO RUN! IT'S THE GRUDGE!" I screamed, sending waves of fear to her and making her cower in the corner before she fled under the bed.

EM POV

"Bella." I followed her scent up the stairs. Until I saw on the railing….

"EEK!" Oh it wasn't really the Grudge 3. We really shouldn't have watched that on Foxtel last night, but Jasper insisted.

I picked up the wig and put it on. The long dark hair trailed across my face. Heheh. I could have some fun with this!

I practiced my grudge noise "" Perfect!! I looked in the mirror. I was missing one thing .

A dress! How silly I am! I peeked in the attic for clothes. We kept boxfuls of neatly packed new clothes up in the attic because Alice spends more money than the room we have!

I searched until I found the perfect dress! Ali would be so proud of me, I thought giddily and hurried to find Belly – another nickname Eddie hated!

MIKE POV

I pushed the trolley with my new little baby strapped in.

"YOU DON'T HAVE A NAME!" I squealed. "YOU SHOULD HAVE A NAME!"

She looked up at me strangely, like there was some kind of resentment under her wonder.

Nah, just me being silly again – like when I thought my Bella hated me when she slammed the door in my face when I serenaded her and my nose broke… But no!

That was just me being silly, I mean Phsh! she loves me! I thought like it was the most obvious thing in the whole world.

I turned back to my googly eyed, bronze haired baby,

I'll call you……  
Candy! That's a really spiffy name! I'm so excited! I decided to try the name out.

"Candy" I cooed. She stared back at me and rolled her eyes so much like that stupid pale freak Cullen. Wah- did she just growl?


	4. Chapter 4

ALICE POV

The images flooded through my mind.

Nessie in WAL-MART with.. Mike Newton? Oh, he's a dead man.

I looked at Edward, to see the reaction I expected as he was reading my mind. Yup. He's a dead man.

I pushed myself to catch up to him as he sped to the car.

JAZZ POV

I gave up all pretences and pissed myself laughing (figuratively).

Until I heard a unknown thump come from the attic and the power went out. I could still see, but now. I was scared. Bella had turned quiet and was now still... OMG I KILLED BELLA!

I poked her stone cold immortal body, she whimpered, "clowns…" I heard another thud

and the door creaked as it slid open…

ED POV

_Ooooooooooooooh_

_She makes me move_  
_Magnetic forces and super glue_  
_I'm not fighting, not fighting her_

_She gets me through_  
_Words like money when rent is due_  
_Now I'm buying, I'm buying and_

_Build a house upon a hill_  
_We will have a thrill to sit still_  
_Beach and city is our home_  
_We won't need a loan or cell phone here_

_She makes me lose_  
_(She makes me lose)_  
_All of the pain like a healthy booze_  
_I'm not dying, I'm not dying, no no_

_She's like the sun_  
_(She's like the sun)_  
_She's coming out at night and the light is gone_  
_I'm just flying, I'm just flying on_

_Build a house upon a hill_  
_We will have a thrill to sit still_  
_Beach and city is our home_  
_We won't need a loan or cell phone here_

_You make me move with magnetic forces and super glue, my dear_  
_You get me through with words like money when rent is due, my dear_

_Well I got a feeling_  
_I don't deserve this_  
_But I won't preserve it_  
_I won't desert it_

_And I got a feeling_  
_I don't deserve this_  
_But I won't preserve it_  
_I won't desert it_

_I'm yours (4x)_

_Build a house upon a hill_  
_We will have a thrill to sit still_  
_Beach and city is our home_  
_We won't need a loan or cell phone here_

_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah _

Earning looks from many a car driver as she sung better than any human could and above any speakers volume.

I wated patiently for her to finish

I changed the radio station and her face lit up as quickly as it had fallen just three seconds ago.

"ALICE! IS THIS REALLY THE BEST TIME FOR SINGING?!" I finally screamed at her.

She just turned to me like I was crazy…

"It's Castledoor.." she said slowly.

Oh, what the hell. It's a twenty minute drive to Wal-Mart even with my driving…

I winked at Alice who looked like she might burst

and she turned up the radio to full volume - Fall out boy was playing.

_Are we going up or just going down?_  
_It's just a matter of time before we're all found out_  
_Take our tears, put 'em on ice._  
_'Cause I swear I'd burn the city downto show you the light_

...

MIKE POV

OMG wheres my baby gone? She had pointed somewhere and winked at me, instantly distracting me and when I looked down..

Candy had disappeared!

"Candy… Candy?!!!!!!" I screamed looking around frantically.

"Have you seen my baby?!" I shook a guy who was contemplating bath towels.

"No.. Hey, man does this go with these bathroom titles?" He shoved a phone in my face.

"Oh! No! How could you even look at that?! Clearly you need help!" I threw all the right coloured towels into his arms.

"These are just so soft too! You'll love it!"

He stared at me, skeptical.

I got flustered. He's kind of cute. No! Don't flirt..

I did the only manly action I could think of.

I ran.

I swung around into the Electronics section to see… Esme Cullen.

She was holding Candy who was looking at me solemnly.

Esme looked beautiful, her hair falling in waves around her shoulders and staring at me furiously with golden eyes. I was kind of terrified and in awe as she walked towards me gracefully, Candy in her arms.

"You found Candy!" I squealed trying to pry my baby from her arms. "Excuse me?" Esme looked at me like I was insane. She was kind of hot for a mum… drool! Esme stared at me silently.

"Excuse me, what did you just call her? This is my granddaughter, Renesmee. Bella's daughter." Oh no she didn't!. "W---WHAT!" I squealed, stamping my foot.

"Er.. this is my granddaughter you kidnapped." NO NO NO NO NO!

"No I don't know what you're talking about this is my daughter Candy – don't you think I know my own daughter?" I tried to steal my… Renesmee? From her arms.

Still they wouldn't give. Sigh.  
"I'm sorry I assumed you were still a virgin. I'll be going now. You should be ashamed of yourself for kidnapping a small child!"

She slapped me across the face and stalked off, with a giggling Renesmee smirking at me evilly.

I bit back tears, watching them leave.

Bella... and Edward? Hot tears fell down my cheeks then I froze.

They're filthy rich! I could have held her hostage and Cullen would have paid big bucks.

"DAMNIT!" I shuffled off, muttering and occassionally yelling. People gave me a big bubble of space to walk through. Avoiding me.

No one met my eyes.

Sniff. Good they know a stunningly handsome, heartbroken successful man when they see one and they respect him.

NO WAY! The brightly coloured package caught my attention:

SEA MONKEYS.


	5. Chapter 5

JAZZ POV

It can't be. Oh, no. It can't!! A very un-Jasper-like womanly squeal escaped my gaping mouth. I cowered.

Using vampire speed I picked up Bella's shivering form and threw her at the murderous, hideous shrew. "Take her!"

I dove under the bed and waited.

The girl had stopped making the scary croaking noise. I dared to peek. Bella and the Grudge had disappeared. I sniffed the air.

The putrid smell had begun to fade instantly. "Bella?"

I stood fluidly and pooled together all my courage and soldier bravado. I kept my face blank. Alice will kill me if I don't get her back…

I silently opened the door. An empty hallway. Oh, the suspense… I stood, listening. I heard nothing. The disgusting smell lingered.

Ah fuck it. I dashed back into Alice's and mine room with a silent whimper. The door clicked shut and I threw myself into Alice's walk-in closet.

Then the screams began. Bella howled and screamed.

Before the noise ceased abruptly.

I did the only thing I could think of now. I curled into a ball, began rocking back and forth and cried tearless, heaving sobs. I realized my phone

was vibrating, still sobbing I answered and held it to my ear.

"Jazzy? What's wrong? I can see you! What happened? I missed it."

I couldn't concentrate as Alice frantically talked into the phone. "Is it the Volturi?" I felt hysterical. I was about to speak and I choked on air, gasping desperately.

"Honey?" Steadying myself, I stopped gasping. There was someone in the room. "Jasper!!"

I froze entirely. The closet door flew back suddenly. I stared at her ghost white form, knobby knees. S

he seemed kind of muscular. Her black locks fell chaotically down her face.

"…I see dead people..." I whispered before I was taken by the ice cold hands.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Jazzy!" I heard Alice scream before the phone smashed to the floor.

ALICE POV

"EDWARD TURN AROUND NOW."

We had found Nessie sitting out the front of the store, looking pleading at people passing by. Around her neck  
was a tag which Esme had left a note upon.

"_Edward darling I'm busy shopping and I'm on a tight schedule. Renesmee will be fine here and she's hungry. _

_I would leave her cookies but she wants blood. So pop into the butchers and get her some. Love you Eddie-kins."  
_  
Here we were out the front of the butchers, buying blood. It's like takeaway! Lovely, fresh stuff.

"We need to get back to the house. You can take Nessie hunting later! It's important!"

Nessie hissed.

Edward, clearly torn avoided eye-contact with his hybrid daughter and turned the car around with a squeal.

The scenery was a blur as we weaved in and out of cars on the highway.

20 minutes later we had reached the Cullen mansion. It felt like hours, however.

What happened to Jazz? I couldn't see. I couldn't see! It's dark where he is.

A match is being struck. The room lit up. Jasper?

I slammed the Volvo car door and sped into the house. "Jasper?" I called.

"In here." His southern voice dripped like honey slowly in the silent atmosphere.

I followed his scent to the living room.

I had imagined Jasper being held down by the Volturi. An insane new born army surrounding him. A gaggle of fan girls even,

him lusting for their blood and freaked out.

What I saw next was so much worse.

Bella, Jasper and Emmett sat in a circle around candles and a Ouija board.

Emmett stared critically at me. Then smiled pleasantly when he saw I was staring. Bella was still holding hands with Jasper and looked worried at Emmett. Jasper looked at the floor frustrated.

"What happened?" I directed this question at Jasper who now looked ashamed. He blew out a deep breath of unnecessary air.

"I was bored and Bella was being rather annoying so I effected her emotions a tiny bit. She would feel terrified then angry then

totally inebriated. It was great fun. But we were upstairs and we heard this noise. A putrid, awful smell lingered and the door swung

open. It was the Grudge. I swear, babe!"

He shot me a look before continuing.

"Anyway… Bella offered to be the sacrifice and I hid in the closet… that's when you called and well… then I was taken."

He sounded bitter and embarrassment coloured his voice.

"Eventually I realized it was Emmett. Pranking me. So in all my pride I decided to play along and get him back. Telling him we needed to do a séance."

Another embarrassed look shot my way. He looked at his suddenly interesting feet.

"So we did the séance… and something's wrong with Emmett. Ask him who he is."

… err.

I decided to humour Jasper and smiled at Emmett.

"Who are you?"

"Ha-ha! I'm Julia Child." He exclaimed (she).

"............"

"Bella, I have Nessie here! She's exhausted." Rosalie sang, suddenly appearing at Bella's side with Nessie in her arms.

"Awww, is someone sleepy?" Bella shot us a look and drifted upstairs cradling the yawning toddler.

"Such a gorgeous child.." Emmett sighed wistfully and wandered into the kitchen.

"Ooh-hoo!"

There was a clattering noise of silver.

Rosalie sighed, incredulous. "Jasper. What's with the cult? You really need hobbies."

She stalked off. "Want to come hunting Alice? I'm so bored of these local animals, I feel like something nice... exotic."

"... We could go shopping, too!" I chimed in.

"I would like to pick something up that's a little seductive... Em is so distant lately."

I laughed and Jasper stared at me.

"Sounds wonderful, Rose. Let's go pack!"

She ran upstairs and Jasper threw his arms around me.

"What are you doing, love?"

"I figure we can have some fun. A little revenge, yeah?"

"What about the spirit?"

"She'll go away soon. It happened before. Remember that time when Edward was pressured into the seance last time in truth or dare?

"Yeah..." Jasper's voice turned soft, his eyes bright.

I remembered. Edward was possessed by Yvonne De Carlo who played Lily Munster.

She was still in character and absolutely smitten towards Jazz.

A low growl escaped my lips.

"Hush, love." He hid his smirk. He loved it when I was jealous.

Ugh men.

"She disappeared within a month." I thought about this for a second.

Rosalie without for a month.

"Jazz? Let's take a holiday."


End file.
